Is murder ok if you have a good reason??

Sometimes I really wish you could just make certain people disappear. I have been free of Devyn's biological father for almost 16 years now. Of course, there's been times I've had to deal with him in between, but for the most part, he's been gone for a long time. He signed away his rights to Devyn when she was 2. Dave adopted Devyn and life's been great. Except for that nasty, mean witch that calls herself his mother.

I'm not going to bore people with the details of my relationship with her. Suffice it to say, it's been up and down. She didn't even know Devyn was around until she was about 6 wks old. That was because her son didn't want her to. She became a part of Devyn's life, even though her son wanted nothing to do with Devyn. I let her see Devyn, I let her take Devyn overnight; even though on those overnights, her son would be there and she'd tell Devyn that was her daddy...this was when Devyn was about 15 months and had started calling Dave daddy. And then horror of horrors, I married someone in the Air Force. This required us to move. A lot. S didn't like that she wasn't able to see Devyn that much. She thought it would be a great idea for me to put my 7, 8, 9, etc year old on an airplane by herself to go to WI to visit her. Yeah, not gonna happen. S was always told she could come to wherever we were living at the time to see Devyn. She never once took us up on that offer.

Fast forward to a few months ago. Devyn gets her yearly surprise email from S. See, S likes to pop in and out of Devyn's life, kinda like she did with her own sons. Devyn, being almost 16, had some things to say to S. She then receives an email from S telling her that she doesn't know both sides of the story. That she tried to see Devyn, but was told she couldn't. That M didn't give her up easily, it was difficult for him. That Dave is her step-father and M is her father. Mind you, she loved Dave from the beginning. Loved that someone loved her granddaughter enough to be her father. Now, Dave's her step-father. She told her that when she turns 18 and is old enough to think & act on her own, maybe she'll realize that she's been told the wrong stuff for all of her life.

I would really like to kill that woman. She talks about me & Dave like we're nobody. I'm sorry, but you don't talk to a 15 year old about her mother. The one good part is that Devyn told S that no one talks about me like that and that she can think for herself, that we do not think for her. Guess even though I'm a douche bag mother I raised my baby right.

Reality

Reality's one of those funny things, isn't it? I mean, the more you try to pretend it's not happening, the more it happens. That's where I'm at right now.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, D-day is coming very soon. D-day being "deployment day". And I wouldn't want to mess up OPSEC and offend military wives everywhere, so I won't say exactly when D-day is. Actually, I don't even know yet. Neither does Dave. And it's not because of OPSEC, it's just because he hasn't asked. "Sometime before Thanksgiving" is what I've been hearing for 8 months now. But Thanksgiving sure seemed like a loooong way off back then. Well I'll be damned, but here it is almost Thanksgiving. Time sure flies when you're dreading something, doesn't it?

What I'm dreading a whole lot right now is that last night. I remember when he deployed 2 years ago, and it was the night before he left. I suppose we should have had some "private" time, but it didn't happen. All I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. And I know that he's not going for very long (4 months) and he won't be in direct battle. But he's still going. He'll still be gone from me and the girls. He'll still be gone for Christmas, Taylor's 13th birthday and Devyn's 16th birthday. But I digress..back to what I was saying. I remember just laying my head on his chest, crying, telling him I didn't want him to go. I tried so hard not to cry. I knew how hard it was for him to go, and I didn't want to make it any harder. But I had been trying for so long to keep my feelings in for him and the girls, I guess I just couldn't anymore. And it felt so nice to just lay there, with his arms around me; to smell his smell that I knew I wouldn't smell for some time. To feel safe the one place I have felt safe in the last 14 years...in his arms.

And now that whole "last night" thing is fast approaching. I was getting ready to wash clothes the other day and I found a shirt he had just taken off, and I smelled it. Yeah, I know, very Glenn Close-ish. But I wanted to drink in his smell, the scent of the man who has been beside me for 14 years; who has loved me no matter what; who loved my daughter enough to take her and make her his daughter. The one who I know will be back in March, and will probably bother me to no end with his incessant farting, nut-itching, driving me crazy self....but I'll love every minute of it!

Blah (cuz I can't think of any other title!)

So today's just one of those "blah" days. I know you know what I'm talking about. The kind of day that you don't do anything and really don't feel like doing anything. I have 4 new library books, but I don't want to read those. Dave's in the living room watching 10 different football games at once, so I can't watch TV.

Anyway, I'm also just so grossed out with myself and disgusted with myself. I swear, since I started my new meds, I think I've gained like 30 pounds. Now, I'm not sure if shrinks know this or not, but gaining weight on a medicine that's supposed to make you feel better, only adds to your stress and makes you feel crappy! I'm going home for Christmas for 3 weeks, since Dave will be in Iraq. My sister just lost a whole lot of weight and I'm honestly embarrassed to go home and let my family see me. I mean, I was a porker in the summer when they saw me, too. But now I'm an even bigger porker. I can never seem to stick to any one "diet". I crave junk foot 24/7. I swear to God, I feel like I'm pregnant (not to mention I look pregnant!) But that's an impossibility, so basically I'm just fat, I guess. *sigh*

And I love my husband, I really do. But if this kidney stone doesn't shoot itself of his penis very soon, I may go up there and get it out myself. He had surgery 3 weeks ago to put a stent up there and also to shock the stone so it'd break down and be easier to pass. Now I understand that a kidney stone's a painful thing, even though I've never had one. And I know that stent is uncomfortable. But I have been a really good wife since he got the damn stone. But he's cranky and a butthed most of the time. I know he's uncomfortable, but damn. He's leaving in like 5 weeks, and I'd kinda like our last month together for 4 months to be a good one.

Anyway, I've whined enough. I'm off to drink some coffee. Later dudes!

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the ER we go!

So today was a very exciting day...I got to spend 5 hours in the ER with my poor husband!

Because of Hurricane Gustav, he had to go into work today. So I figured he'd be in all day. After going to bed at 2 AM, I was kind of excited to sleep til about 10 or 10:30. So imagine my aggravation when at 9:15, I'm getting poked in the arm by my husband. After ripping off my eye mask and asking him what the hell he wanted in my best Exorcist voice, he asked me what it meant when you had lower right quadrant pain that radiated to your lower back. Being the nurse I am, I instantly thought appendix. Then I thought maybe he had another kidney stone. He had one 2 years ago. He projectile vomited once, kind of like the Exorcist, and passed it the next day, no problemo. Well, today, by the time he woke me up, he'd already puked about 10 times. So I decided it'd be best to get him to the ER. Had to wait a few minutes before we could leave, as he needed to hurl a few more times.

They took a urine sample from him and it was full of blood. They gave him some contrast dye in Gatorade to drink, which he promptly barfed back up. Even so, they were able to do a CT scan of his kidneys. Let me just say, I have NEVER seen my husband in such pain before. He'd go to the bathroom, pee, then be fine for about 20 minutes. Then the sweat would start pouring off of him, he'd start looking like Casper and he'd start writhing in pain. Then he'd barf again and feel better. I'm not a barf person. I don't like to clean up my kids' barf, so I'm not really into my husband's either. But I rubbed his back and wiped his face off while he barfed & barfed & barfed. So I asked the nurse for something for nausea. Had to wait about an hour for the doctor to come back to the ER to approve it. He got some Zofran for nausea, which promptly knocked him out.

So about 2 hrs after that, the doc comes in and says "Didn't I tell you that you had a kidney stone??" Um, no I told everyone he had one. The doc was going to treat him for gastroenteritis, until he saw his blood filled pee. Anyway, he's got a 4mm kidney stone blocking his kidney. Now 4mm probably doesn't sound too big. But to a little, bitty urethra, it's big. And it's going to have to pass on its own. He's got to go to the urologist Wednesday or Thursday. He's on an antibiotic, pyridium for the pee pain and Demerol for the stone pain. So my baby's reaaaaal loopy right about now. Hopefully, his next round of pain/puking will come after he's taken a Demerol, so it won't hurt him as bad.

Devyn's got a cold. She's coughing and sounds like shit again. So I've got to take care of her, too. Taylor wanted me to highlight her hair today. So today I've been wife, mom, nurse, and hair stylist extraordinaire :)

Another try at this blog thing

So here I am trying out this whole blog thing one more time. In all honesty, I had forgotten that I had a blog before. Here's the link to my old blog, if you're interested in finding out just exactly *how* crazy I can be :) http://whohasmysanity.blogspot.com/

Anyway, I figured since my life is a bit crazy at this point, now would be a good time to start blogging again. Dave's getting ready to leave for "over there" again in a couple of months. It seems like it was just a couple of months ago that he told me he was going and I thought "well, it's 10 months away, I'm not gonna worry about it now" Welp, now it's only a couple of months away. And I'm dreading it. I've been a military wife now for almost 14 years. And this will be only the 2nd deployment I've been through. I'm not overly good at dealing with these types of things.

But on an awesome note, my mom bought me & the girls plane tickets to Connecticut for Christmas!! So we'll be up with family, instead of down here in the armpit of America, for Christmas. We won't be alone, so that'll be good. We'll obviously still miss Dave, but at least we'll be with family.

Ok, It's almost 1:30 AM and I'm tired, so I guess I better get to bed. 'Nite all :)