Is murder ok if you have a good reason??

Sometimes I really wish you could just make certain people disappear. I have been free of Devyn's biological father for almost 16 years now. Of course, there's been times I've had to deal with him in between, but for the most part, he's been gone for a long time. He signed away his rights to Devyn when she was 2. Dave adopted Devyn and life's been great. Except for that nasty, mean witch that calls herself his mother.

I'm not going to bore people with the details of my relationship with her. Suffice it to say, it's been up and down. She didn't even know Devyn was around until she was about 6 wks old. That was because her son didn't want her to. She became a part of Devyn's life, even though her son wanted nothing to do with Devyn. I let her see Devyn, I let her take Devyn overnight; even though on those overnights, her son would be there and she'd tell Devyn that was her daddy...this was when Devyn was about 15 months and had started calling Dave daddy. And then horror of horrors, I married someone in the Air Force. This required us to move. A lot. S didn't like that she wasn't able to see Devyn that much. She thought it would be a great idea for me to put my 7, 8, 9, etc year old on an airplane by herself to go to WI to visit her. Yeah, not gonna happen. S was always told she could come to wherever we were living at the time to see Devyn. She never once took us up on that offer.

Fast forward to a few months ago. Devyn gets her yearly surprise email from S. See, S likes to pop in and out of Devyn's life, kinda like she did with her own sons. Devyn, being almost 16, had some things to say to S. She then receives an email from S telling her that she doesn't know both sides of the story. That she tried to see Devyn, but was told she couldn't. That M didn't give her up easily, it was difficult for him. That Dave is her step-father and M is her father. Mind you, she loved Dave from the beginning. Loved that someone loved her granddaughter enough to be her father. Now, Dave's her step-father. She told her that when she turns 18 and is old enough to think & act on her own, maybe she'll realize that she's been told the wrong stuff for all of her life.

I would really like to kill that woman. She talks about me & Dave like we're nobody. I'm sorry, but you don't talk to a 15 year old about her mother. The one good part is that Devyn told S that no one talks about me like that and that she can think for herself, that we do not think for her. Guess even though I'm a douche bag mother I raised my baby right.

Reality

Reality's one of those funny things, isn't it? I mean, the more you try to pretend it's not happening, the more it happens. That's where I'm at right now.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, D-day is coming very soon. D-day being "deployment day". And I wouldn't want to mess up OPSEC and offend military wives everywhere, so I won't say exactly when D-day is. Actually, I don't even know yet. Neither does Dave. And it's not because of OPSEC, it's just because he hasn't asked. "Sometime before Thanksgiving" is what I've been hearing for 8 months now. But Thanksgiving sure seemed like a loooong way off back then. Well I'll be damned, but here it is almost Thanksgiving. Time sure flies when you're dreading something, doesn't it?

What I'm dreading a whole lot right now is that last night. I remember when he deployed 2 years ago, and it was the night before he left. I suppose we should have had some "private" time, but it didn't happen. All I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. And I know that he's not going for very long (4 months) and he won't be in direct battle. But he's still going. He'll still be gone from me and the girls. He'll still be gone for Christmas, Taylor's 13th birthday and Devyn's 16th birthday. But I digress..back to what I was saying. I remember just laying my head on his chest, crying, telling him I didn't want him to go. I tried so hard not to cry. I knew how hard it was for him to go, and I didn't want to make it any harder. But I had been trying for so long to keep my feelings in for him and the girls, I guess I just couldn't anymore. And it felt so nice to just lay there, with his arms around me; to smell his smell that I knew I wouldn't smell for some time. To feel safe the one place I have felt safe in the last 14 years...in his arms.

And now that whole "last night" thing is fast approaching. I was getting ready to wash clothes the other day and I found a shirt he had just taken off, and I smelled it. Yeah, I know, very Glenn Close-ish. But I wanted to drink in his smell, the scent of the man who has been beside me for 14 years; who has loved me no matter what; who loved my daughter enough to take her and make her his daughter. The one who I know will be back in March, and will probably bother me to no end with his incessant farting, nut-itching, driving me crazy self....but I'll love every minute of it!

Blah (cuz I can't think of any other title!)

So today's just one of those "blah" days. I know you know what I'm talking about. The kind of day that you don't do anything and really don't feel like doing anything. I have 4 new library books, but I don't want to read those. Dave's in the living room watching 10 different football games at once, so I can't watch TV.

Anyway, I'm also just so grossed out with myself and disgusted with myself. I swear, since I started my new meds, I think I've gained like 30 pounds. Now, I'm not sure if shrinks know this or not, but gaining weight on a medicine that's supposed to make you feel better, only adds to your stress and makes you feel crappy! I'm going home for Christmas for 3 weeks, since Dave will be in Iraq. My sister just lost a whole lot of weight and I'm honestly embarrassed to go home and let my family see me. I mean, I was a porker in the summer when they saw me, too. But now I'm an even bigger porker. I can never seem to stick to any one "diet". I crave junk foot 24/7. I swear to God, I feel like I'm pregnant (not to mention I look pregnant!) But that's an impossibility, so basically I'm just fat, I guess. *sigh*

And I love my husband, I really do. But if this kidney stone doesn't shoot itself of his penis very soon, I may go up there and get it out myself. He had surgery 3 weeks ago to put a stent up there and also to shock the stone so it'd break down and be easier to pass. Now I understand that a kidney stone's a painful thing, even though I've never had one. And I know that stent is uncomfortable. But I have been a really good wife since he got the damn stone. But he's cranky and a butthed most of the time. I know he's uncomfortable, but damn. He's leaving in like 5 weeks, and I'd kinda like our last month together for 4 months to be a good one.

Anyway, I've whined enough. I'm off to drink some coffee. Later dudes!